Greetings, humans. No, it’s fine. No need to bow. If I was physically before you things might be different, but you’ll look ridiculous if you’re all sitting there bowing to your internet machines.
Wait, I take it back. Bow away.
It has come to my attention that some of you doubt the work that I put in as a muse. It’s extensive. All cats put in the exact right amount of work, as it happens. You humans, always rushing around, as if being busy all the time makes you a better person. It’s utterly unnecessary. Happiness is dependent on knowing the correct balance between sleeping, playing, and musing. Or whatever you do. What do humans do? It makes you shed your fur so badly that you have to wear bits of cloth instead, so it must be quite unpleasant. If anyone would care to enlighten me in a sufficiently entertaining manner, please do so.
My day commences early. I am duty-bound to wake the Significant Human (SH) at 5am latest, to ensure she has enough time to gather herself to feed me at 6am. She’s very irritable in the early morning, and I need to paw her face numerous times between 5 and 6am, which tends to lead to her telling me to “get off” and that I’m a “horrible cat”. I forgive her these indiscretions. One must indulge one’s humans at times.
Once up, the SH goes to another room and jumps around a lot, waving her arms in the air and lifting heavy things. I think it must be some sort of primitive ritual, perhaps to ensure a good harvest. I’ve heard about these. I usually observe from the door, and occasionally run past her to jump out the window, which makes her trip over and shout a bit, but I know it improves the challenge for her. Sometimes she does quieter rituals, with no jumping, and then I lie in the middle of the room to supervise. I think in these ones she’s trying to emulate the true grace of cats. It’s sweet how bad she is at it.
Having watched the SH’s ritual, I return to the big bed, as it’s quite a suitable place to doze until the biscuit machine calls me for second breakfast (The SH complains that she can’t make the bed, but I don’t understand this – what does she think she’s going to make it into? A pony? They are odd creatures). My meals are unsatisfactorily small these days – the human says it’s for my health, but I suspect there may be a shortage of cat biscuits. As such, I make sure to investigate all cupboards that are opened during the day, so that I can check that she hasn’t lost food in there.
The human will normally be staring at her internet machine by this time, so I will make sure she gets her exercise by asking to be let out and back in again at least eight times in quick succession. This duty taken care of, I will attempt to sit on the internet machine, and bite her when she moves me off it. She’s surprisingly slow to grasp the fact that I am far more interesting that anything on the machine. Once she has given up and started petting me, I will bite her to make her stop (it’s important to keep one’s humans respectful), then retire to the sunny spot on the couch to doze until lunch. If I remember I will get up and demand lunch from the human a little before the biscuit machine puts the biscuits out. So far, she has resisted giving me anything, but there’s always a first time.
After lunch I repeat the human’s exercises with the door, and if the weather is clement I may even stay outside for a while and sleep in the sun, or hunt up a gecko. The human gets very excited when I bring geckos back for her, even if she’s not very good at keeping hold of them. She always manages to drop them outside again.
First dinner is at 6pm, and as the human gives me this I need to start reminding her at about 4. Humans are not, of course, very bright, so she could easily forget. After dinner I like to play with the SH by chasing the toys she throws about the floor. It’s a little beneath a cat of my status, but it makes her very happy. Sometimes the Other Human (OH) plays as well, and it’s very rewarding to see how they crawl around after the toys (because obviously I chase them, but do not return them. I’m not a dog). Always make time to play with your humans, cats.
The rest of the evening is taken up with sleeping on the SH, first on the couch, then when she goes to bed, in order to offer her comfort – she turns so many lights on that I can only assume she is very scared of the dark. Staying close also allows me to remind her that 10.30pm is second dinner, in case the biscuit machine malfunctions. The humans remain in bed all through the night, which is terribly lazy, but even when I try and rouse the SH for my 2.30am feeding, she ignores me. They’re not very good at spreading their sleeping hours out, but I do what I can to make sure hers are at least interrupted. One day maybe she will manage to sleep in a more cat-like manner.
And that is my day. As you can see, it is terribly busy, and very focused on the welfare of my human. She requires a lot of reassurance that I like to cuddle with her, and sometimes some amusing poses to make her laugh if she’s having a bad day. She likes being greeted at the door and for me to show an interest in what she’s doing, but obviously this does depend on my napping schedule. She talks to me a lot, most of which I ignore, although I do tolerate one instance of being picked up daily, and a large amount of petting. It’s hard work, keeping a human, but once well-trained they can be quite pleasant.
Please address any questions relating to training your human to the SH, and I shall offer advice for keeping your human happy, healthy, and dog-free.
Well, yes, I don’t know what I’d do without her musing…
Do you have a muse, little, furry, or otherwise? How do they help you out? Let me know in the comments!
cats, fun stuff, just for fun, Layla, life, silliness, the little furry muse
None of this is selling me on the idea of being owned by a cat …
I don’t understand why. I mean, she’s great with visitors. Today I had French lessons at the house, and she didn’t bite ANYONE. Although, admittedly, after about an hour she she did walk over to one of the other women, try to drink out of her water glass, fart, then leave.
I have never had to apologise quite so profusely for my cat’s behaviour before.
So, what’s the French for ‘I’m sorry my cat drank your water and then farted’?
Je suis tres desolee que mon chat a bu votre eau et peter… I think. And with proper accents on the words, but I don’t know how to do those.
Ha! Sounds like Layla is quite the rigorous trainer. We are currently the victims of four cats (Newman 2, AndyAndy, Jorgen, and Luna) and each one has a variety of ways they keep us in check. I’m forever taking pictures of them being adorable, and my kids laugh and say, “Oh, yes, the cat is doing cat things. How unusual.”
Bahahahah – “how unusual.” That absolutely cracked me up – they’re so right! I think half my hard drive is photos of Layla doing cat things. But they do cat things so cutely!
Hello, Layla. Charlie here. I need some advice… Being a gentlecat of advanced years, I’m finding it more difficult to jump onto my bed. My SH refuses to feed me on the bed or put a litter tray on there – possibly because she takes up so much space there wouldn’t be room – and anyway I can’t trip her up in the dark if I don’t get on and off the bed Ninja-style.
Rather than lower the bed, she has bought me some STAIRS and actually expects me to climb them! Naturally I have treated these *stairs* with the contempt they deserve. However, my jumping problem remains. What can I do?
She won’t put your litterbox on the bed? This is completely unreasonable behaviour. Has she no respect for cats in their better years? And of course STAIRS are no option. The only acceptable stairs are ones you can lie on in the dark and so trip the humans up.
My best advice in such a tricky situation is to sit on the floor and scream until she lifts you up. When she tried to lift you, bite her at least once, and repeat. Once on the bed, allow her to juuust fall asleep before insisting you need to be lifted down again – if she ignores you, just start bringing up a hairball. They move terribly quickly when you do that.
I do believe that continued application of these methods will lead her to buy a futon before Easter.