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The Real Night Before Christmas (a re-telling)

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and in Santa’s workshop,
No one was slacking, they worked on non-stop.
The elves were all hungry, their feet were all sore,
And no one had slept for six days or more …

Okay, so it’s not quite the night before Christmas, but near enough. If you’re anything like me, you’ve had quite enough gift lists, holiday survival guides,  and menu plans – if we’re not ready now, we’re probably not going to be, so we may as well embrace it. What’s Christmas without a few burned mince pies, an inappropriate gift or two,  and some lumpy gravy, anyway?

And in that spirit, it felt like it was time for something a little silly, something that maybe even caught the mood of the season. And, okay, yes – I was messing around. I don’t think I’ve written in verse since I was in high school, and that, my friends, is an awfully long time ago. Apologies, because I doubt my rhyming skills have improved much since. But hopefully it gives you a giggle.

Have fun these holidays, whether you’re celebrating or not!

Edit: This is a few years old now, which I shall use as an excuse for how dodgy the rhyming is. But, honestly, things have not improved. And it keeps being Christmas! Every year! I swear I just bought presents! Ahem. Which means, of course, that there’s an excellent excuse for sharing bad festive rhymes … You may need eggnog to get through it 😉

The Real Night Before Christmas:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and in Santa’s workshop,
No one was slacking, they worked on non-stop.
The elves were all hungry, their feet were all sore,
And no one had slept for six days or more.

The reindeer milled grumpy in the snow-covered yard,
It didn’t look much like a scene on a card.
Everyone was waiting for the old man to appear,
But it seemed that he’d stopped for “one final beer”.

The door flew wide open, and out stepped Mrs Claus,
She looked pretty furious, and not without cause.
Santa followed her out, his face kind of sheepish,
And he waved to the elves, who scowled back all peevish.

​“Well then,” he cried, and rubbed his round belly,
“Let’s be off with these presents then, shall we?”
But the elves and the reindeer all cried out and said
“We’ve had enough of all this, you silly old meat-head!”

Well, Santa was shocked, he was utterly staggered,
In all his long years, this had never once happened!
Elves made all the toys, reindeer pulled the sleigh,
And never had he imagined any other way.

So he huffed, and he puffed, and he cursed a bit too,
And demanded to know just what he should do,
Because the sleigh wasn’t ready, and the sacks were not full,
And Mrs Claus was treating him terribly cool.

“More pay,” said the elves, “And vacation time too,
And credit be given where credit is due.
All those cookies for you, the whiskey and letters,
But nothing for us, just shouts to do better!”

“We’re forming a union, we’re checking things twice,
Now we decide if you’re naughty or nice!”
“What’s all this?” cried Santa, “What’s this you say?
“You can’t change things that were always this way!”

“No more,” declared Rudolph, “We’ve had quite enough.
Our backs are done in from lugging your stuff!
Just because it all happens on one endless night,
Doesn’t mean you can ignore our magic worker’s rights!”

“We’re done!” shouted Dasher. “We quit!” shouted Vixen.
“You can’t make us stay,” declared Donner and Blitzen.
“No more chimneys for us, not on this day –
Everyone’s switched to heat pumps anyway!”

“What are you saying?” cried Santa, distressed.
“Mrs Claus, help me, they’re terribly stressed!”
Mrs Claus nodded, her kind eyes all bright,
And said, “My name’s Annie, you great silly tyke.”

“And this is entirely your own bloody fault,
You’re the one never thinking, always acting the dolt.
If you treated us all just a little bit nicer,
We might even be sweet as sugar and spices.”

Well, Santa was shocked, but the elves quite delighted,
And Rudolph laughed so hard his red nose was lighted.
“I think,” said Annie, “That the time may have come,
“For you to get working and not just sit on your bum.”

“But I do work,” cried Santa, “I drive the sleigh!
I deliver the toys to the kiddies before day!
It’s all terribly important, you just can’t understand,
It’s man’s work you see, too hard for your hands.”

The elves booed loudly, but Annie smiled sweetly,
And said, “My darling, I understand completely.
“You want me to stay quietly at home with the elves,
While you keep all the fun stuff to yourself!”

Santa blustered, protested, he stomped and he swore,
He used words I hope you have never heard before,
But the reindeer all laughed and said it was true,
While Annie looked to the sky and tapped one woolly shoe.

“With all of this fuss, we’re running terribly late,
It’s almost Christmas already, so let’s get this straight.
The elves have stopped working, the reindeer won’t start,
And there’s deliveries to be made from Tonga to Hyde Park.

“So tell me, dear Santa, what do you suggest?
Let’s have a plan, and better make it your best.”
Santa pulled on his beard, and looked awfully lost,
Never had he had to prove who was boss!

Then Rudolph said, in an off-hand sort of manner,
“We’d carry you, Annie Clause. You’re quicker and keener.
You could be up and down chimneys and in and out houses
Before old beardy here downs two whisky glasses.”

Santa tried to object, but Annie really was quick.
She said, “Well, wouldn’t that be just quite the kick?
We can share the mince pies, and the whiskey as well,
And Father Christmas can stay at home for a spell.

“He can help the elves with their after-work cleaning,
And when we get back he can get the sleigh gleaming.
I hope you don’t think this unnecessarily harsh,
But dear, you really have been an insufferable arse.”

The elves, they all clapped, and the reindeer all cheered,
And the sleigh it creaked loudly as the presents appeared.
Annie got in and pulled her robe tight,
She said, “Don’t wait up dear – you have a good night.”

“Now Dasher,” she cried, “Dancer, Prancer and Vixen!”
On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!”

The reindeer bounded into the starry night sky,
Rudolph leading as away they did fly.
Santa raised a hand sadly as they flew out of sight,
crying “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

Happy Holidays!

Don’t mess with the elves. They have a union now.

christmas, humour, imagination, poems, rhymes, silly stuff

  1. Kelly says:

    That’s hilarious! Nicely done.

    1. Kim says:

      Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it 😁

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