A Bucket of Reviews

I have a very specific weakness for reading random reviews.

I’m not talking about reviews like the ones you lovely readers leave, which are a glorious combination of writer fuel, motivation, encouragement, and food for the algorithm overlords. Those reviews are beyond amazing. They’re pure magic for writers, and we could not survive without them.

No, the reviews I’m talking about are the ones (almost always bad) where you wonder if the reviewer has actually been in the same room as whatever they’re reviewing, or, in fact, encountered another human being at all. They are hilarious and so much fun, and I spend far too long reading review sections in the hopes of spotting a new one (I did, last night, when looking at buying a floor fan. It was too windy, apparently …).

You know the ones:

 

This recipe is terrible. It doesn’t work at all. I made it exactly as instructed – all I did was substitute applesauce for the eggs, ground bonemeal for flour, and crushed crabshells for the sugar. Otherwise, I followed it to the letter. It didn’t work at all, and tasted terrible. When I threw it out, even the ants decamped to another garden. Zero stars.

 

My family and I came to this restaurant hoping for a nice Sunday meal at three a.m. Even though Google said it was closed, the website said it was closed, and the hours on the door said it was closed, we expected it to be open. Zero stars.

 

I was given this dog jacket, even though I only have a salamander. The material is nice and the colour is very pretty. Four stars.

 

We came to this hotel hoping for a quiet getaway. Unfortunately, there were parties every single night and groups of young people being very loud in the pool. Also, the brochure said 18-30, but dinner was never served at that time. One star.

 

I bought this fish paste to stick some scales back on my giant koi Frederick, who’s been having trouble with shedding recently. I didn’t realise it was made from actual fish. Now Frederick’s traumatised, and so am I. One star.

 

Okay, I’m having way too much fun making these up. I’ll stop there.

But! As it happens, the latest Adams book (currently with my lovely editor, Lynda) does feature an encounter with a slightly strange restaurant. Which, of course, made me wonder … How might people might review some of the locations in my books?

So of course I had to try it ;)

 

The Blighted Basilisk York

I stopped here for a pint after a full day of walking around York. Lovely city, nice walls. When I first walked in, I thought it must be some sort of improv night, since there was a man in the corner pulling rabbits out of a hat. Nobody was paying any attention, though. I suppose we all have our hobbies.

Atmosphere was a bit odd, and the regulars seemed a dodgy lot. I almost left, but I was dying for the loo, so I ordered a pint. The barmaid insisted on going down to the loos ahead of me, which was weird enough, but she also took a frozen chicken with her? There was a lot of splashing around in the bathroom before she let me in, and the toilets were really wet when she did. But they were clean, so that’s good? Probably didn’t need the glitter coating everywhere, though. That was a bit strange.

Anyway, great beer, strange place. Good for local color if you enjoy that sort of thing. Four stars.

 

 

The Savage Squid, Whitby

Some mates and I went up to Whitby for a bit of a lads’ weekend, and spotted this pirate cruise down by the harbour. Sign said all you can drink rum punch, sorted! Bit of a mad boat, got to say. Captain’s a complete legend and really looks the part. Her parrot kept swearing, and the rum punch was absolutely lethal. Really. I swear I saw a mermaid go past the boat riding on a kraken at one point. One of my mates jumped in after her (told you the punch was strong), and the kraken put him back, but only after the captain yelled so much my eardrums still hurt. And then she gave the kraken a lollipop.

Five stars, total madness, loved it.

 

 

The Toot Hansell Christmas Markets

I brought my children all the way from Ripon because I heard the Toot Hansell Markets were very traditional and festive. WELL.

It’s run by the local Women’s Institute, and they clearly have NO idea what they’re doing. One of the stalls had two giant dogs behind it – a food hygiene NIGHTMARE. I mentioned this to the woman there, and she just went pink and gave one of them a mince pie. A MINCE PIE!. You can’t give a dog dried fruit! I told her that, too, and then the dog growled at me. Unbelievable.

Another woman was selling homemade cordial – very nice, but very alcoholic. I said, “You can’t sell that! What if the children drink it?” She replied that people should have enough sense not to give it to their kids, which I think was a dig at me. I’m not happy about that.

They also had these baubles they claimed were handmade, but I’m sure I’ve seen them online at half the price. I pointed this out to an elderly lady in the stall and she ‘accidentally’ spilled her mulled wine on me. Even if it was an accident, they shouldn’t be drinking on the job!

I insisted on speaking to the W.I. chair after that. She said she’d ‘take my concerns under consideration,’ but we all know what THAT means. Very rude. I will be telling everyone I know about it.

Also, they had this bizarre Christmas pudding food fight at the end. The whole thing was terribly badly run. Zero stars. I recommend no one go there, ever.

 

 

The Shop, York

No matter what you’re looking for, you’ll find it here. The shop itself is kind of hard to find, but once you get in, they have EVERYTHING. I just picked up an antique papier-mâché French hatstand, an entire collection of Princess Di thimbles, and a stuffed ferret. Just incredible!

It does take a bit of time to go through everything, as there’s a lot of stuff and it’s not very well organised. One of the owners is a little odd, too. When I was buying the hatstand, he didn’t want to sell it to me, and his partner had to lock him in an Edwardian wardrobe until I’d left. But other than that, it’s an absolutely great place.

Watch out for pigeon droppings, though. And squirrels. They bite.

 

 

The Dead Good Cafe, Leeds

I LOVE this place. It has THE BEST Victoria sponge for a start, and it’s just very cool and gothy. One of the owners really looks the part – she wears a robe, and I saw her leaving one day with an actual SCYTHE??? So cool! The other one’s more into sundresses and such, but she’s amazing too.

And it’s a petting cafe!! They have all these little critters – I’m not sure if they’re small dogs or big cats? Beautiful, silky fur anyway. And kind of toothy, but SO CUTE. The place is covered in hair, of course, but it only ever smells of cake and coffee. And you can’t see the hair because it’s dark.

Do pay attention to the no open wounds policy, though. I went in with a blister a few months ago, and one of the critters bit my ankle. Needed five stitches! But yeah, I went back as soon as I healed up. Best story, right?

Anyhow, love it. A thousand stars.

 

 

Elder Moss Manor, Yorkshire Dales

My wife and I came here for a romantic weekend for our 35th wedding anniversary. Absolutely fantastic location, gorgeous old house, if a little bit decrepit. The rooms are definitely looking tired, and the shared bathrooms aren’t really to my taste. However, we had a great stay.

The yoga on the terrace wasn’t improved by the impromptu poetry session, but then I’m not a poetry person. Maybe for someone else, that would have been great. Also, my razor and my wife’s toothbrush went missing. They were just disposable ones, nothing fancy, but very strange. I don’t know if housekeeping threw them away or something.

The food was a little variable. I think some of the foraged mushrooms were probably not meant to be eaten, because we did find ourselves dancing naked in the middle of the woods at midnight that night. Not really in character for us, but it was a great experience, and always good to broaden one’s horizons.

Four stars. Take a spare toothbrush.

 

Now over to you, lovely people! Any fun reviews you’ve spotted online? Any you’d add for book locales? Share away in the comments!

 

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