Audience with the Dragon

Alright, we’re recording, although you still haven’t said why.

 

Look, if there can be an Interview with the Vampire, there can be an audience with the dragon, alright?

I’m not arguing that, Amelia, I’m just saying—

How old are you?

How old am I?

Yes. You do know, right?

Um, yes.

Just checking. Dragons don’t really keep track of such things after the first hundred years or so.

Really? How old are you?

Rude.

Sorry. But you did ask first. I’m thirty-six, anyway.

Aw. I’m … seventy-three, I think? Whatever, older than you, so stop fussing, listen to your elders, and let’s get on with this.

Alright, fair, but Adams keeps wanting to arrest me, and if I suddenly publish a story about you, she’ll find a way to do it. That’s if the W.I. don’t throw me to the geese or something first. You’re meant to be secret, and I think I’ve done a bloody good job at that so far.

You’ve done very well, Ervin.

You’re very patronising for a dragon, you know?

Heh. Yes, alright, I deserved that. But come on, don’t you want the most exclusive interview of your career?

That’s what every journalist wants, but I also want to maintain my credibility, and preferably my skin.

The W.I. won’t skin you.

Walter might.

Why’s everyone always so worried about that old lizard? I might skin you if you don’t help.

…?

I’m joking. You have no sense of humour.

You have too many teeth to joke about that.

I don’t. I have very nice teeth. Humans just don’t have enough, and they’re such silly little things. I mean, look at them! What can you do with those?

Stop trying to touch my teeth!

You need to floss, too. Your breath’s horrible.

It is not— Look, this is ridiculous. What do you want to do here, Amelia? My understanding was that Mortimer and Miriam ran the bauble trade, and other than the lot of you treading on Adams’ toes and cosying up to the W.I. (and if you can give me any tips on how you get away with the former and succeed with the latter, I’d appreciate it), you were meant to keep a low profile.

Meant to by who?

 

Whom. Sorry. Can’t help it. Beaufort? Adams? Alice? Thompson?

 

One of them’s law enforcement, one’s Watch, and the other two are too used to being in charge, so it adds up to about the same thing.

 

You starting a revolution, Amelia?

 

No. And if I did, I wouldn't announce it to the media. I’m not a politician.

 

Fair enough. So, come on then. What story do you want to get out there? What do you want to achieve, if you don’t want to take over or become famous? Is it to make money or something?

 

You’re so human.

 

I realise this is accurate, but also rude.

 

It was meant to be. And yes, I want to make money. But not like you think. I want Mortimer to realise the entire clan doesn’t have to rely just on him and his baubles, so he’ll stop stress-shedding—

 

Good luck with that. I’ve never seen anyone that anxious, and I’ve gone through three different features editors in the last two years.

 

It’s almost like there’s a common denominator there. Anyway, as I was saying – I want him to stop stress-shedding. I want Gilbert to be able to go and make his silly bloody skull earrings and skeleton bracelets and—

 

His what, sorry? Bloody skulls and skeletons?

 

Would you stop interrupting me? They’re not made out of skulls and skeletons, you empty acorn. They’re wood and stone and wire and whatever else he and his little human Ash can come up with. But I want them to keep doing that. They think they’re creating art, and I have no idea if they are, but they should be able to. And I want all the other dragons to do whatever they want to do, which seems to be mostly snoozing and having mud baths and learning to knit, which is not going well. I’ve not found any fireproof wool yet, and the wire’s pretty scratchy. But those are all just stuff. I want everyone to be able to do what they want to do, and contribute where they can, and for it not to be Mortimer carrying it all. He’s got enough to worry about, managing Beaufort.

 

Maybe you should help with that instead, and he can keep doing baubles.

 

No. I’d just bite someone, and I can’t guarantee it wouldn't be Beaufort. Besides, all that knitting and so on? When I see something I think we can sell, I’m perfectly happy to suggest people do more, or ask them to try other things. Mortimer just goes grey and mumbles that he doesn’t want to inconvenience anyone. I don’t mind inconveniencing people in the interests of the clan.

 

Clearly. No don’t growl at me. Bloody hell. Just about dropped my phone. That was a joke, and I’m all for this stuff. Community action, lighter load together, etc etc. But how are you expecting this to help? I can’t publish Audience with the Dragon in the paper, can I? I’ll have another editor quitting over stress.

 

Of course you’re not going to publish it in the paper. That’s not going to get us anywhere. But I want to do a series with it. Podcast, probably. Maybe a blog, but a podcast can build into an audiobook easily, and I don’t have to worry about you padding stuff out and throwing in the sun shone on his muscular hide like sunset on still water, or getting all breathy over the sprite’s scaled breasts glistening under their coating of mud and that sort of rubbish.

 

Wow. I … wow. Thinking about those for a while, were you?

 

I looked into some human-authored books. Gert loaned them to me.

 

I think she may have a certain genre preference.

I don’t know. But we’re going to record a bunch of these, and you can set up a podcast and a website and all the bits – I’d get Ash to do it, but he and Gilbert would insist it was all centred around vegetarian recipes and how to raise happy chickens or something. Gert’s got enough relatives one of them could probably do it, but I’d prefer you.

 

I’d be complimented, but I think you have an ulterior motive.

 

Ulterior reasoning. Like you said, you don’t want your professional credibility ruined, so you’ll be careful to maintain a pen name. Plus you don’t seem to be in this for the money, otherwise you’d have sold us out ages ago.

 

If you mean in the Toot Hansell stuff, I’m going to tell my grandkids about it when they think I’m so old and senile I must be making it up. Other than that, it’s just bloody fascinating. I don’t need any other reason. But there’s not much money in podcasts and audiobooks unless we go huge somehow, and that’s only going to end with people digging around.

 

Oh, this is just the start. It’s going to be the base for all sorts of merch, Folk handicraft, music, the lot. You get ten percent of any revenue generated directly from the material I provide, plus all expenses covered. And I’ll get you some sticks to chew for those teeth.

 

Start of your empire, is it? Bring back the time of the dragons?

 

We never went away. It’s always been our time. Are you in?

 

Sure. When do we start?

 

We just did. Episode one of Audience with the Dragon. After some judicious editing, of course.

I for one see no way how this can go wrong … How would you like to see Amelia expand her empire, lovely people? Or who else would you like to hear from? Share away in the comments!

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